1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap
when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.
I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
The beauty of being part of a large work force is that every week, or at least every month, someone has a birthday, or retires, or gets a new intern in their department. Of course announcing holidays, birthdays and retirement parties or new interns coming on board is like chumming the waters for the really dedicated pranksters.
Happy Retirement: The best pranks involve everyone but the victim. One of the best-kept pranks I ever heard about was one that even the boss was in on. The prankee was working as a bookkeeper at her local library. She loved her job and thought her co-workers loved her — right up until her last day. She waited for someone to tell her when and where her farewell party would be, but no one said a word. She was scheduled to work until 4 p.m. that day, but at noon her boss went up to her desk, shook her hand and told her because it was her last day she could take off early. She wanted to sob she was so sad. No party?! As she walked to her car a co-worker ran out and yelled at her, “You’ve got a phone call!” She returned to take it and walked into her surprise party!
Happy Birthday to You! I knew a guy who managed a division of a large software company that operated out of two different buildings in the same town. One day, at around lunchtime, he got a call from the other building. The secretary told him that an employee he had just fired a few days earlier had returned to the offices with his attorney and was going through the office files, etc. The guy raced over to the other side of town, sprinted into the conference room that the two men were supposedly in, only to find that the entire office had arranged for a surprise birthday. If it had been me I don’t know if I’d have been more relieved or angry, but what a great prank eh?
Auto Correct: If you’re computer savvy, consider getting into your co-workers computer and changing his Auto Text in Microsoft Word. Replace his name with something silly. For example, change his name from “John Doe,” to His Royal Highness. Every time he types his name, the auto correct feature will automatically change it. This is done by going into Word/Insert/auto text/auto correct. Yeah, it’s really fun!
DVORAK? You can also change their keyboard to Dvorak. At first they think they’re mistyping but then they have no idea what is going on, or how to fix it. Get your best results by targeting non-geeks who think they’ve broken their computer or downloaded a virus.
Screen Shot: Take a screen grab of someone’s entire desktop and then open the image full screen. They won’t be able to figure out why nothing’s clickable.
Here are the instructions:
For Mac’s: Command/Shift/4, then click and drag to select entire screen. The image will be saved to the desktop as a “ping” file.
Windows: XP – Press the “print screen” key Vista – Use the new Snipping Tool under Programs
ABC’s: Only have a few minutes? A few years ago, for April Fool’s day, someone I know, ahem, popped the key caps off of a colleague’s keyboard and put them back on – in alphabetical order.
There are some in every crowd. Risqué can get you in trouble in some work places, but if yours is not one of those places nothing quite says totally hysterically funny, or embarrassing and shocking, like a hired stripper. I know of one company who found out their boss was a strip club fan so his employees hired a stripper to pose as an art director for a job interview. The employees gave the stripper a crash course in design lingo and a portfolio of work to show him. As he looked at her portfolio, she said, “I’d do anything for this job!” Then, she began to strip. He freaked out a bit and said, “No, no, that’s okay!” But, she continued undressing. When she was practically in his lap, his employees started laughing and cued him into the joke.
Lady Godiva: At least the art director stripper showed up in clothes. Not all of them do. There’s the story about the employees who hired a woman to dress in a skin colored body suit, a la “Lady Godiva” to help their boss celebrate his birthday (birthday, birthday suit…get it?) She rode into the factory on the back of a horse with long flowing blonde hair and nothing much else except the skin colored suit. From a distance she totally looked naked. She got enough attention while riding around the streets and factory that someone called the media and the story made it onto the local news. Go figure.
Someone Call a Carpenter? Men aren’t the only ones getting pranked by strippers. At a corporate meeting a contractor, a very handsome, very studly dude complete with hardhat, square chiseled jaw and tool belt showed up at the office. I know what you’re thinking but no, in spite of the incredible resemblance, it was not me. He knocked on the door of the conference room and asked for the manager. She later said her heart sank–because she thought there had been yet another building maintenance crisis. She didn’t worry about that for long. He approached her with all his tools swinging and began gyrating in front of her. Hello. I won’t go into graphic detail because I’m already blushing, but let’s just say there’s a reason he was a much sought after Chippendale dancer in the evenings.
You Rang? Not every one has to bring a stripper on the premises. Another prank I heard about was from an audit firm. The secretary’s decided to ‘prank’ their boss. The boss’s personal assistant called one of the local houses of let’s say, “ill-repute” and before anyone answered, she connected to the boss’ direct line. The laughs came when the lady on the other end of the line was adamant that HE was the one who called her! All the secretaries’ heard was a very loud, “Lady, get your facts straight!”
Depth Charge: One of the longest running pranks I’ve heard is from someone who intercepted a box of a co-worker’s new business cards. He wrote mortifying messages on the back of a few of the cards, like “I wear a pink thong. Want to see it?” and “Are you into hot guys like me?” and then stuck the cards back in the box. He then waited for the card to be passed to the right, but unsuspecting client. A few weeks later, the prankee unknowingly slid one of his newly personalized business cards across the table to his prospective client. The client picked the card up, noticing and reading the handwritten message on the back. It happened to be, “I wear a hot pink thong. Want to see it?” Twenty years later, this guy is still compulsively checking the back of every business card before it leaves his hand.
MARCUS YAM / THE SEATTLE TIMES
ERIKA SCHULTZ / THE SEATTLE TIMES
ERIKA SCHULTZ / THE SEATTLE TIMES
The summer heat can suffocate even the most voracious appetite. Cultures around the world each have their creative methods for staying cool -- spicy foods are the choice around the equator, while others drink hot tea to make their sweat glands work overtime.
But who wants to be sweaty when it's already sticky outside? What we want are some healthy, refreshing foods -- preferably snacks that satisfy those recommended daily allowances (RDA) for essential vitamins and minerals. So we talked to registered dietician Sharon Saka, of Suffern, New York, who says our best bet is to avoid hot foods and heavy meals, and take advantage of summer's fruits and vegetables. Saka recommends eating smaller amounts more often, and says staying hydrated is essential -- at least 6 to 8 cups of decaffeinated fluid a day -- especially if you're outside and exercising.
So here are 10 superfoods to help you stay cool this summer. And the best part: many of these snacks are great meals in themselves!
Kiwi, Papaya, Raspberry Fruit Salad
When the heat is on, just about any juicy fruit is refreshing and delicious. Kiwi, papaya, and raspberries are a powerful combination because they're each packed with cancer-fighting vitamins and minerals like vitamin C and beta-carotene. In fact, both kiwi and papaya rival oranges for their vitamin C content -- one kiwi contains 117 percent of the RDA and papaya a whooping 313 percent. Vitamin C is, of course, crucial to our immune system, and some studies show it may reduce high blood pressure.
Papaya and kiwi also add potassium to your diet, which helps your body stay hydrated, regulates your nerves, heartbeat, and blood pressure. And 67 percent of your RDA of vitamin K can be found in papaya. This under-rated vitamin is necessary for normal blood clotting, and it helps your body absorb calcium, which is especially important for people at risk for osteoporosis.
Raspberries win in the fiber category with 8 grams, and they're rich in vitamin C as well. In addition to its regulatory qualities, the right amount of fiber is linked to a decreased incidence of colon cancer, and it helps keep cholesterol levels lower. Now, add some protein to this fruit salad -- low-fat cheese perhaps? -- and you have a full meal.
Recommended Serving Size: 1 kiwi, about 46 calories 1 medium papaya, about 119 calories 1 cup raspberries, about 64 calories
Chickpeas and Green Salad
A crisp green salad is the perfect light dinner for steamy summer evenings, especially since no oven is required. Trade in your iceberg lettuce for spinach and get a Popeye-size dose of iron.
Add some chickpeas to it for a protein and fiber bonus, plus 20 percent of your daily folate needs. Folate is essential to red blood cell growth and has been shown to prevent birth defects if taken by pregnant women. Chickpeas are also rich in vitamin B6, which aids in the breakdown of proteins, carbohydrates, and fats, and has been used by nutritionists for PMS relief. Mix in some cherry or grape tomatoes and you get more fiber, plus 19 percent of your vitamin A.
Recommended Serving Size: 1/3 cup of chickpeas, about 115 calories 3.5 oz. of spinach, about 24 calories 3.5 oz. of tomatoes, about 17 calories
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Timbaland's been a busy man. It doesn't look like we'll be getting his solo album anytime soon, but after working on The 20/20 Experience and Magna Carta Holy Grail, he's got his hands full with Nas' upcoming 11th album, which already includes one potential hit featuring both Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z.
Timb told Revolt TV that he's producing a bulk of the album, and one of the completed tracks is called "Sinatra in the Sands," with some bars from Jay and vocals from JT. "Nas got a song right now with him, Jay and Justin that’s completely stupid," he revealed excitedly. "It's called "Sinatra in the Sands" and Justin sounds like Frank Sinatra. Jay was like, man what you gon' do with that record B?"
Nas and Justin both contributed vocals to Hov's "BBC" on Magna Carta Holy Grail, so that'll make the trio's second collaboration for the year. As for Justin's Frank Sinatra chops...we saw that on display when he performed "New York, New York" during his "Legends of the Summer" tour with Jay-Z at Yankee Stadium last week, using the song to introduce Hov's "Empire State of Mind."
It’s bad enough we have to spend all that time in the office each day, but life at work can be almost unbearable if people can’t keep irritating behaviour to an absolute minimum.
Of course, often people don’t even realise they are getting on their colleagues’ nerves. Rather than having that embarrassing conversation, perhaps slip them this list of the 10 most annoying office habits put together by news.com.au:
1. Office drummers: Whether it’s drumming fingers on a desk or that old favourite, the pen click, repetitive tapping sounds are bound to annoy. If you’re one of those people who needs to tap their pen on their desk for five minutes before coming up with an idea (even if you don’t realise it) – stop it.
2. Foghorn phone voice: If you probably don’t want everyone in the office listening into your phone conversations, try not raising your voice to fever pitch every time you make a call. Remember, when on the phone – use your inside voice.
3. Pod pong: A little perfume or aftershave is a great idea; half a bottle of the stuff, not so much. Please, keep in mind that your work mates have to sit in smell-range of you all day when considering whether to apply that extra squirt or three of your favourite scent.
4. Key smashers: Word processors have come a long way since the days of clunky old typewriters, but the way some people pound their keyboards you wouldn’t know it. Exerting more pressure on the keyboard doesn’t increase the quality of what’s produced, so why not just take it easy?
5. Paid for nothing: The smoko is no longer a time-honoured Australian tradition. Now it’s just a way of transferring just a little bit of your workload to your colleagues each day. Unsurprisingly, they don’t appreciate it – or your stinky smoker breath.
6. Snot funny: You’d think staying home from work when you’re sick is a win-win; you get better quicker, and your workmates don’t get your lurgy. So why fight it?
7. Lucifer’s lunch: Sardines on toast for lunch are fine as long as the person consuming them is sitting sealed off from the world in some kind of airtight bubble. Gobbling down your stinky, fishy little treats while sitting at your desk, on the other hand, is a definite no-no.
8. Ringtone hell: Technology is a wonderful thing, the way people can now put whatever tune they like on their mobile phones. Don’t make all those hard-working mobile phone scientists regret their success by setting a super-irritating ad-ditty or rap music riff as your ring-tone.
9. Space invaders: In the office, having respect for one anothers’ desk space is the only thing that separates humankind from the apes. No doubt your kids are gorgeous, and why wouldn’t you want to look at them all day and every day, but keep those photos – and files, papers, magazines, books, lunch wrappers, coffee cups etc – to your own desk.
10. Eau de underarm: You wouldn’t think the whole putting deodorant thing was so complicated. DO put on deodorant in the morning, and a bit more if you’ve just been for a run. DON’T apply half a can of that great smelling “personal body spray”, however cool the advertisers say it will make you.